New Year, New Goals, and New Hope
A lot of us take time to reflect on our goals and our lives at the beginning of the new year. We are filled with hope and excitement. But what happens if our goals don't happen the way we want?
Happy Belated New Year! I hope you’ll forgive the three week hiatus— the holiday break and the last week have been quite the whirlwind! Allow me to explain:
I auditioned for a graduate school of music program I have been dreaming about for six years. Exactly one month later, I began my first courses as a student in the dream graduate school program. There has been a lot to figure out in the way of scheduling, commuting, and tying up loose ends as a new student, so time flew away from me quickly!
It probably sounds like this happened simply and quickly. While I would agree it has happened quickly over the past month, there was a long road to get to this point; it was occasionally quite bumpy, so was it simple? Absolutely not!
In January 2022, I thought I had a perfect plan in place. Graduate school at this dream program seemed a little too far out of reach at the time, so I had come up with an alternative opportunity that I thought would make me happy. I put so much effort into connecting with the right people, writing eloquent essays, and performing a high-quality audition. It truly felt I had put everything I had into this alternative plan, and I couldn’t understand how it wouldn’t work out. Despite all of this time, effort, and energy, things became strained. Emails went unanswered, and when communicating in person, mixed messages were sent. I began to worry that things were not going well. Weeks turned to months, and I finally received the heartbreaking news (the day before my birthday, actually) that this opportunity was not going to work out. I couldn’t understand how this had happened; nothing about it made sense. The future I had imagined for myself in 2022 evaporated. My birthday didn’t feel so exciting anymore; how do you celebrate when you have lost hope for the next year and feel like crying?
Thankfully, I was surrounded with supportive family and a supportive piano teacher (she stayed up until 11 pm one evening consoling me over Zoom). But I wouldn’t be honest if I said it didn’t shake me. Being in the same room as the piano was painful because it was hard to look at it. Staying away from the piano was painful because it is my deep love. It felt like a best friend or a significant other had turned on me. The betrayal from someone you love hurts deeply; being without that person hurts deeply too, though. Doubts began to creep in: maybe I haven’t made as much progress in my practice as I thought I have. Maybe I’m holding on too tightly to something that just isn’t going to work. Maybe I need to let go and focus on a different path; I’m not getting any younger and bills are not becoming fewer!
Despite this, a feeling persisted deep down: I have not come this far to give up now. Piano and music is what I love. The investment I have made so far and the commitment I feel to this line of work is not in vain. I know I can bounce back from this disappointment and make the progress I seek. To quote a friend of mine, “don’t let them decide for you.” Now it just became a question of how.
To put myself back into performance mode, I began entering online competitions. Positive experience after positive experience came rolling in. Each one provided me with a little extra healing: maybe I am on the right path. Maybe there are better opportunities on the horizon. Maybe I just need to exhibit a little more patience as I keep investing time and effort into my music.
September 2022 came. The deadline for applying to my dream graduate school of music program was nearing. Finally, it was time. What is the harm in trying? Imagine if I wouldn’t have tried any of the competitions. There would have been no performances at Carnegie Hall a few years ago. There would have been no certificates or diplomas. But even more importantly, there wouldn’t be that immense feeling of achievement. It’s so rewarding to work hard on a program of repertoire and accomplish the goals you set for yourself. As a pianist, growth is where I find the most joy. Knowing that I performed a little better than I did before gives me the motivation to keep striving for the next goal. So much growth and opportunity (and therefore happiness) would have been lost if I had failed to try at all. Maybe I’ll audition for this program and not make it in this time; but then, again what if I do?
You know how this story ends. I went through the entire audition process, and here I am. Arriving on the campus of my dream graduate school of music in the morning and connecting with the most wonderful professors who have welcomed me with open arms and helpful hearts. I walk around campus with a smile on my face. Everything feels right. I am finally exactly where I should be. If the alternative opportunity last year had ended up working out, I would not have been able to attend school in this program. The pain and rejection I felt last year only fueled my desire to improve and therefore steered me in the right direction- resulting in my acceptance at the program I had thought about for six years!
No matter what you are going through in your life right now— whether you are a musician or not— believe that there will be a light that shines through the darkness. You will find the path you need to take. You will be given the strength to take it. Any pain, rejection, or obstacles you face may just end up serving as direction. Use it to propel yourself forward. And for goodness sake, don’t be afraid to try! Maybe you’ll have to be patient and try more than once before achieving the results you desire, but what may be lost if you don’t try at all? That would be the real tragedy.
Community thread prompt: How do you cope with setbacks and disappointment? How have you seen direction in your life?